Just as I am (My Easter Story)
I remember the church Easter egg hunt when I was in kindergarten. It was one of those events where the eggs were in a field and all of the church kids waited behind a line until the whistle was blown. At the whistle, we all went running. I ended up with no eggs and felt very left out. I always felt like an outsider whether it was church, school or life in general. I was a loser by the age of five and it did not get better until I picked up my first drink – half a quart of vodka on an evening when everyone else had gone out to dinner. That evening I found everything that I was looking for in alcohol. There is a phrase: “I sold my soul to the Devil”. I think I gave my soul to the devil in return for being able to feel Ok with myself. I have asked a Higher Power, who I choose to call God, every morning to keep me away from a drink – and he has for over 13,000 days – amazing. I am grateful every day for my sobriety and for the ever present conscious contact with God that makes my sobriety possible. And yet, I know I don’t deserve God’s love and because I am unworthy, I have often felt like the outsider even in sobriety.
This year is different and so I want to share my Easter story.
Of course she does, she never, ever stops “talking”.
I spent an enjoyable week in Colorado visiting my brother Stephen and his family and with my cousin David and his wife Linda. I have been reading and re-reading a lot of theological literature recently and sometimes I can’t remember who to reference so I will just list the current readings: C.S. Lewis Mere Christianity, Emmet Fox Sermon on the Mount, Frank Boreham Mushrooms on the Moor and The Whisper of God (this one refers to Job frequently and was very popular around the turn of the last century), Marcellino Ambrosio When the Church was Young (Voices of the Early Fathers), and The Writings of Clement of Rome.
I am one of those people who listen carefully to everyone, but it often takes awhile before I can take what was said to me (or read by me) and “wear” it as my own. There is a phrase among my friends; “sit down take the cotton out of your ears; put it in your mouth… Take what works for you and leave the rest on a hangar until you are ready.” Well things seem to be clicking for me. A few months ago, at C.S. Lewis suggestion, I started to feel Jesus’ presence with me as we beseech God every morning – “Our Father…” All of a sudden, the landscape of the inner me contained hope – an amazing thing.
About a week ago, my friend Frank had asked me a question, and as I traveled to the airport, I thought of my response. (Like I said, I am not the “brightest bulb in the box” – it takes me awhile to answer even simple questions). As I thought about the question, I remember what I had read in Emmet Fox’s book about the Our Father. He is speaking on the topic of forgiving sins and he spends an entire page discussing self forgiveness. I paraphrase: our human life is God’s manifestation of his will. On the way to the airport, this became “true” for me, and I felt that I might have a pathway towards self forgiveness so that I can start to pray the Our Father the way it is supposed to be prayed. My next thought was “I’m probably full of shit.” This is the thought that I have every time that I think that I might “belong”. “Who would want someone like me? I must be full of shit.” I shared this thought with my cousin David and he shared the story of the invalid Charlotte Elliot who wrote the hymn Just as I am. David mentioned that she had shared with her brother, a famous preacher, her misgivings about how little she had contributed. Many people, including me, have heard of her hymn, but few had heard of her brother. We never know how God will choose to use us. There is another popular phrase – “God doesn’t make junk.”
From Wikipedia regarding Charlotte Elliot:
During her illness, a well-known preacher, Cesar Malan of Switzerland, came to visit her. He asked her if she had peace with God. She was facing many inner struggles because of feeling useless, and she resented the question. She refused to talk about it that day, but a few days later called Dr. Milan and apologized. She said she wanted to clean up her life before becoming a Christian. Dr. Milan answered, “Come just as you are.” She gave her life to Christ that day. Some years later at age 45, Charlotte remembered those words wrote the verses to “Just As I Am” in 1834. In spite of being raised in a Christian home, she reflected on her conflicts and doubts and was unsure of her relationship with Christ. So she penned her words of assurance about Jesus loving her just as she was.
- Just as I am, without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me, and that thou bidst me come to thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
- Just as I am, and waiting not to rid my soul of one dark blot, to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
- Just as I am, though tossed about with many a conflict, many a doubt, fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
- Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind; sight, riches, healing of the mind, yea, all I need in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
- Just as I am, thou wilt receive, wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve; because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
- Just as I am, thy love unknown hath broken every barrier down; now, to be thine, yea thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
I can’t help but think that my friend Paula is smiling down at me – “You are an awfully slow learner.” Paula would often smile at me in that very tolerant way that some people have who have experienced a similar long curved path towards that deep understanding and trust in a Higher Power.
All Are Welcome in my Father's House 