Lent (Walking in the way of Jesus)
I always wondered as a child, why Jesus (God in the flesh) spent forty days fasting in the wilderness after John baptized him. If he were already free from sin, why did he have to fast? How does prayer, doing penance, mortifying the flesh, repentance of sins, alms giving, and denial of ego prepare one for Easter?
I don’t have the answers.
But that has never stopped me from writing these essays.
A few days before the beginning of Lent, I began my Lenten journey by only eating enough food to keep me lucid. It is hard to explain how following the still, small, voice sometimes leads to places that you don’t expect. I have enjoyed listening to talks and reading books by Fr. Robert Barron 1). In one talk, at Cambridge England, he explained his understanding of becoming “Holy” by expounding on the belief of early Christians who described themselves as “following the way of Jesus”. He said that there are three main features to this “way”.
- Have God at the center of your life (all aspects, all the time).
- Know that you’re a sinner.
- Know that your life is not about you.
The last one really resonated with me and so what am I going to write about – me, of course. We strive for progress, not perfection.
Let’s start with a phone conversation with Clark on my way to work at the onset of this Lenten season. He was worried about me and decided to call and ask about my mental health. He said “You know the inner critic who tells you that you are the worst person on the planet, could be considered a character defect and you could ask that it be removed.” A short pause followed and I said “That is a good idea.” He laughed as he replied, “Really, you don’t already do that?” I chuckled and said “no”. Up until that point I had no experience with “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
Later that week, the inner path that I had been traveling along came to an end. In a very real sense I was lead into the wilderness. “…no human power could relieve our suffering, but God, could and would if he were sought.” After a sleepless night, with Clark and Una keeping me company on the couch in the living room, I arose to find “signs” from God (the Father meeting me where I am).
In one religious video I watched, the priest said “These things aren’t coincidences, they are God-incidences.” Susan calls them “God-winks”.
The first God-wink that I was aware of this Lenten season happened that Sunday morning (March 10).
I send simple text messages with a “Good Morning” every morning to a growing number of people. One of them is Cynthia. She has never texted back “Good morning”; more often than not, she sends a picture of a cow or chicken trying to convince me to join the fight for animal rights – “Friends not Food” is the common text. On this particular morning she sends “Good Morning Phyllis” with a picture of a red heart. Both Clark and I laughed because only the “hand of God” would explain this.
My childhood acquaintance, Sue, who started me on the Good Morning texts in 2015, texted how are you? She had been without a phone since Christmas and my texts had gone unanswered until that morning.
The previous Sunday (March 3), the sermon was on “The Wilderness” and how everything is provided by God, if you trust in Him. After church, I went to Paula’s grave and there was a faint smile in the sky above her. The scientific term is a Circumzenithal Arc – I prefer God’s smile. I took a picture and sent it to Susan.
The last “sign” I want to discuss is from my cousin Fr. David, church’s website. On Monday, the March 10th sermon on “Forgiveness” was uploaded to the web. The previous sermon on the web was dated February 17. For two weeks, this sermon sat alone among recent sermons, as if to say, “Phyllis, this one is for you.” And oh how it resonated with me. I listened to it over and over. In it, while explaining the commandment “judge not, lest you be judged” he described a story about a lazy Monk. “He wasn’t a bad person, just undependable, you couldn’t count on him.” As he approached the end of his life, his fellow monks felt that he should beseech God’s forgiveness for his sins. From his dying bed, he knew their thoughts and said that he felt confident in God’s promise because “I have never judged another.” He died in peace and the other monks marveled at this display of God’s Grace.
As I listened, my mind’s ear kept on going back to Sister Maurice – “You don’t have to be good, you are good!!!” Throughout my life, I have been given many blessings. Often through difficult times, I have helped others. Through my generosity and kindness, I have appeared “good”. But time and time again, I am reminded of the truth from the Book of James, “all good things come from God” Usually these reminders come in the form of deep embarrassments, “Oh I can’t believe I was such an idiot” is how my inner critic would describe the reminder.
Sometimes though, if we are open to it, we can see that these embarrassments pave the road to a closer relationship with God.
“Know that your life is not about you.”
During another talk by Fr. Barron during Lent 2015, he describes how we hunger and thirst for God. How we try to fill that thirst with things of this world. “If only I were rich, I would be happy” was one example. He spoke of Jesus and the woman at the well.
13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
Many times, I deceive myself that the answer to my problems is found in this world. When self-examination and self-help don’t work, maybe it is time to listen to what God may be calling me towards. After my mom died, I was drawn to examine those aspects of my personality that I had locked in a closet – the girl and the kid. With some help from a friend, I took inventory of those other personalities. Unlike taking an inventory of a store, the inventory of these inner personalities was like sharing their secrets, (walking along with them among their memories). When this inner path came to an end, it was time to find God’s calling for the girl and the kid. And the neat thing is that when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears.
I happened to watch a video of the Sister-Servants of the Holy Spirit of Perpetual Adoration, known also as the Holy Spirit Adoration Sisters. The nuns live a contemplative life, focused on perpetual adoration of the Holy Spirit, offering intercessory prayers for the world 24 hours a day (they have one hour a week during which they talk to each other). Outsiders are not welcome and they only interact with the outside world through a gate. Inside the cloister, the nuns wear pink and white colored habits in honor of the Holy Spirit, and are commonly called by many as the “Pink Sisters”. The video consisted of interviews, through the gate, with many of these Pink Sisters. Each one of these women was flushed (red-faced) as they spoke. Clearly they were more comfortable with silence than dialogue. A smile came over me as I realized that I had found the calling for the kid and the girl – to be cloistered in continual prayer. This has been very good for me. They no longer live in the past. They are safe and secure. I picture them in their pink and white outfits and have love and compassion for them.
I would not have wished for the life experiences that caused my split personalities.
I would not have wished for the deeply embarrassing realization that no human power (including myself) could satisfy that thirst that Jesus speaks about.
(My friend Paula referred to this as “drinking the Kool-Aid”; that sinking feeling when one realizes that one had been following the deceitful voice of one’s Pride).
In contrast to this, the still, small, voice in me repeats over and over:
God uses all for His purpose.
“Know that your life is not about you.”
All Are Welcome in my Father's House 